1x22 - Born Again
Here’s a final look from season one to close us out. Scully, I’m glad you got to use the only pair of glasses in D.C., but my god is your jacket out of control. Your shoulderpads appear to be encroaching on your ears in a way I find worrisome.
I return to you after weeks of a field assignment* doing extremely exciting research** after a tip regarding a conspiracy was brought to my attention by some anonymous sources. Does everyone have to share one set of glasses, and how do they fit everyone? Is this a Fellowship of the Traveling Eyeglasses thing? How did Langly escape, and why is he so smug about it? What does he know that we don’t?
* grad school
** the opposite of this
Fight the Future
In honor of reaching nearly the end of season one, I thought we would have a special, complete with viewer participation! A look into the future, which is an extremely clever pun that works on multiple levels. So Scully, let’s discuss. Many things have happened to you since we last spoke, almost all of which are horrifying, so let’s not speak of them and instead focus on your hair, which is obviously amazing. I have spent many years of my adult life trying to achieve that hair, which isn’t weird because we’re such close friends. Here’s the thing: I still don’t love that suit on you. It’s neither beige nor all bright red, which I do count as triumphs, and it is almost entirely the right size, but the hem of the skirt, Scully! It’s so awkwardly long! I just can’t endorse it, even as a fellow short girl. I don’t know! What do your other friends think, Scully?
Props on those shoes, though, damn.
1x23 - Roland
Scully. My love. Is this a joke? I mean, I see by your face it is not, but even the buttons on your shirt are neutral, and somehow oversized. At a certain point, Scully, I begin to think you’re doing this as an insult to me personally.
1x24 - The Erlenmeyer Flask
Scully, I know sometimes you think I exaggerate your propensity for beige, but I mean, come on. You are killing me here. I know it seems counterintuitive to complain about both your Carmen Sandiego suits and in the next breath run down an outfit composed entirely of neutrals, but I’m unpredictable like that. I give you points for the shoes, but subtract all them for the breadth of your shoulderpads, which are, as ever, like some magnificent ship.
1x23 - Roland
How not to costume your incredibly pregnant lead actress, Exhibit C. Look at her suit jacket! The top button is at approximately the top of her trousers, and the bottom hem is inches from her knees. Her knees! That is not an appropriate coping strategy, maternity section of wherever Scully is shopping! Is this suit Mulder’s? Did he accidentally buy 32x22 pants and was too embarrassed to return them? I really can’t think of a more likely scenario, Scully.
1x22 - Born Again
Scully, girl, I feel you. I mean, maybe our situations aren’t completely analogous since I want to complain about the humidity and how the weekend won’t just get here already, and you look like you want to complain about a range of things starting with how confusingly bulky your trench coat is and ending somewhere around oh my god why won’t anyone else comment on Janice’s linen safari vest, we are in Buffalo, there is absolutely no call for that.
1x17 - E.B.E.
Scully, how many times are you going to make me say “visible shoulderpads bulge”? At this point my money is on “well past the point when it loses all meaning”, but I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that. In other news, that is a nice shade of purple, but I also know that you are wearing an entire oversized suit’s worth of it, which slightly spoils it for me.
Thank you! I will do what I can, though I’m not sure I can do better than Scully’s Beige Girlfriend. Actually, no, I take that back - something coming next week might be better. Maybe.
1x22 - Born Again
Scully, I knew we talk a big game about how you’re in love with Mulder, but I am 900% certain that this lady is your soulmate. If an oversized, over-shouldered cardigan worn over a beige dress isn’t the sign you need I honestly can’t imagine what would be.
P.S.: Don’t think I don’t see you wearing your Space Face Disease suit again.
